Lately, Zoe liked to walk in the rain. The downpour soothed her. She felt as if the nature was crying with her. The rain washed her sorrow away and cleansed her soul.
The last few weeks was such a toss-up Zoe didn’t know what to make of it. Even though in the back of her mind, she always sensed that her relationship with Yanni meant much more to her than to him, it was still a big crush for her. She wasn’t naive to the point that she thought they would unite, but she felt that they loved each other. That was all she wanted – his love. It didn’t matter if they weren’t together or they didn’t get to see each other. When her last hope was dashed and crushed, she lost her grips and started the free fall.
When her last fear was confirmed, all kinds of emotions broke loose and wreaked such havoc that she could barely function. One moment she was crying her heart out. The next she was like a zombie with no feeling whatsoever. Lately, the numbness pretty much took over. She didn’t want to feel the pain, the suffering or the agony. Her tears had dried up over the year. She wished she could rewind the clock back to those innocent days.
Zoe wasn’t regretting her experience or pitying herself. She just had too many questions. Why would she dream of Yanni so frequently? Why would she experience those intimate moments with him that she had never had in her life? Why would she dream of details about him like that jacket he had? Why was she so drawn to him? If he regarded her only as a classmate and a friend as he claimed, why would he tell her he loved her, sending her love emojis and love songs? Why didn’t he tell her he didn’t reciprocate her love when she sent him all those love notes? Why didn’t he come clean with her when she asked him to be honest with her about his feelings? Was it that he didn’t want to commit but enjoyed the attention? Could it be because he liked the promiscuity? Could it be his self importance that he was so desirable he could conquer any woman he wanted?
She knew it no longer mattered. His actions had told her everything she needed to know. She just turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to her own intuition. She ignored the little voices inside her.
Now Zoe turned to music for therapy and healing. Songs that used to bring her joys, inspirations or sadness no longer provided any consolation. She no longer felt anything when listening to them, but she couldn’t tear herself away from them.
The final realization came shortly before their anniversary. Zoe traveled abroad. She got sick on her way back. She had to drive several hours in the middle of the night to get home while being sick. Yanni never asked her how she was doing or whether she drove home safely. He never checked on her even when she didn’t contact him for several days. When Zoe confronted him, he said he was busy. She was very disappointed. She knew then she had no place in his heart. Not even as a close friend as he claimed.
It was time to close the chapter, but Zoe didn’t have the courage. She knew she ought to be grateful when Yanni said, “As ur closest friend i am always with u.” She didn’t know…. She couldn’t make sense of the whole thing – how it turned all upside down. She still hadn’t found her footing. She wondered if she would ever find it. Where was she going to land, on what and how?