Gracie knew the northeast side of her town very well. She had driven in the area since her college kids were in elementary school. However, she never took that route, but always wondered where it would take her. Curious as a little kid, she decided to turn into that route to see where it would take her. Soon she came to a crossroad. She knew she needed to turn but wasn’t sure which way. She decided to go left because she had a sense that her home was in that direction. At the next crossroad, she was a little confused. She didn’t know if she should go straight, turn right or turn left. Her phone was out of battery and she couldn’t use the GPS. She turned right and soon realized she took the wrong turn. She knew the neighborhood but wasn’t exactly sure which way to go to get home. She never had a good sense of direction. She drove aimless in the neighborhood, not knowing or caring much where she was going. The driving itself kept her mind occupied.
All of a sudden, a little red car caught her eyes. Gracie knew it was his car. She passed the car everyday. Then she saw him, working in his yard. Excitement washed over her. She wanted to say hello. She wanted to ask him for direction, but she was embarrassed. She also felt it was inappropriate because she didn’t want to give the impression that she was stalking him. Reluctantly, she drove away.
Julian was Gracie’s boss. She had worked under him for five years. He was talented and full of energy. He respected her and valued her talents. They had enjoyed a very pleasant working relationship. He was one of the best bosses she had had. She always sensed something special about him. His youthfulness, charisma, caring for his subordinates, receptivity to new ideas and extreme talent all attracted her. She almost revered him.
She didn’t know when and how it all started. She just felt it. First there was a stir in her heart. She felt a crush. Within days, she realized that she had fallen in love with Julian. She started an emotional roller coaster ride.
She knew this was never meant to be. Both of them had families with children to raise. Even though her own married life was dysfunctional, she didn’t want to rock his boat. As a woman, she knew how devastating it could be to his wife and kids. Her moral standard just wouldn’t allow her to break someone’s family.
Gracie kept driving. It was getting late. She needed to be home soon for his baby son of 12 years old. He was afraid of the dark. He would be anxious if she was out for too long. She thought she was going in the right direction. Soon she came across a familiar road. She realized that she had driven further away from her home. Cruising along the road, she lost in her little world again.
Julian was a rising star. His future in the company was bright. He could achieve great things. An affair could damage both their reputations, especially his. Sometimes, an office gossip could bury a person. Gracie wouldn’t allow that to occur. Her first priority was to protect him. From the get-go, she knew she was to suffer silently.
Day in day out, Gracie would see Julian here and there, sometimes just a glimpse, sometimes in a meeting, and sometimes alone. Each small encounter satisfied her and tortured her at the same time. How she wished she could bare her heart to him. He had sensed her feelings for him and she sensed his, too. The unspoken connection was there. However, the circumstances just wouldn’t allow the confession from either of them.
She had lost sleep over her own deep emotions. For weeks, she just slept for 3-4 hours. She recognized the detrimental effects of sleep deprivation, but she just couldn’t help herself. Every night, she would wake up at odd hours. Her mind was filled with Julian. Her imagination took a flight and she began to live in a fantasy world. For hours, she would be awake unable to go back to sleep.
She noticed that she was losing weight. In two months, she had lost 8 lbs which was unusual for her. She thought something was wrong with her scale, but the pants too tight a few months ago were now too big. She had to use a belt.
The traffic light brought Gracie back to reality. In about 10 minutes, she would be home taking care of her preteen son. At 12, he was as tall as Gracie, but he was still very much a mom’s boy. Gracie was pleased that he hadn’t started his rebellion like many of his friends. Hopefully, she could enjoy him much longer.
During those sleepless nights, Gracie didn’t know what to do. She started a journal, jotting down whatever was in her mind. Through the journal, she was able to channel her emotions and let the elephant out. She was grateful that after half a century she still had the capacity to love a person so fully. She always believed in true love, but she always felt that she would never meet the love of her life. Until Julian…
Life appears more exciting with you in it. Of course, there’s also more suffering. I have never experienced this kind of love before. I have had crushes, infatuation, or love, but nothing like this. I know it’s an impossible dream. I am just throwing myself under the bus. However, this feeling just washes over non-stoppable. I myself am even shocked. At this age, I am not looking for love. Emotional upheavals ought to be beyond me. When people talk about love, it’s always about the young and the energetic. Love is always associated with youth and beauty. Am I insane feeling this way? I know there’s no result in our case, but I still keep on loving you.
Gracie didn’t know how Julian felt towards her even though she could sense the mutual attraction, but she didn’t really care. She was happy that he came into her life and his appearance had brought the love she thought she would never experience. She felt so close to him, yet so far away. She needed to come to terms with the whole situation. She was contented that she could live in her fantasy. She knew she would carry on with the love in her heart till the end of time.
Gracie pulled into her garage and sat for a moment. With a dreamy smile on her face, she walked into her house toward her awaiting son. She gave him a big hug.
Gracie-Zoe 