The Motion

Gracie has never been so active sexually. The desire has been so strong that it’s unbearable. She’s surprised at her own yearning. Sex had always been some sort of a taboo to her. Usually,  she was just going through the motion and wanted it to end quickly.

Since she fell in love with Julian, her whole body has been on fire. She has never experienced this kind of intensity both emotionally and physically. Every cell in her body has been charged. she realizes that emotional yearning and physical desire can be both extremely taxing. She finally understands the misery of being in love.

She thought she could find the release from her husband Jonathan but she has ended up more miserable. Every time after the act, she cries silently.  She feels as if she is betraying her love for Julian. The yearning is even deeper and stronger. How she wishes the one she loves were Jonathan!

She has tried. Innately optimistic, she comes up with creative ways to spice up their romance, but they are always crushed. She has been either ridiculed,  scorned or accused of being too needy.

To Jonathan, everything is based on material needs and practicality. His expectations for emotional closeness or intimacy are very few. Having sex is to satisfy primal needs. Having a wife is to bear children, do housework and take care of his and the kids’ material needs. He doesn’t like intimacy and He doesn’t know what intimacy is like. To him, showing his vulnerability is a sign of weakness. He is proud he can supply for the family. Careerwise, he is very successful. There is no doubt he loves his family. He likes to show them off to the outside world, but to Gracie, she’s more like a trophy wife.

Materially, Gracie isn’t lacking though she isn’t well to do. She doesn’t have many demands. However,  she is starved emotionally or spiritually in the relationship department.  There’s a  lack of intimacy in her relationship.

Gracie has tolerated Jonathan’s insensitivities and criticism for the sake of the kids. She is also very loyal. For a while, she hoped that he would change one day for the better. After 25 years, she has given up her hope. Julian’s appearance has awakened her inner child. She realizes that living in the motion is no longer the option. She’s ready to move on. She just needs to work up the courage to take that first step.

The Heart’s Journey

The past few months hasn’t been easy for Gracie. The journey has been long and winded. She has gone from the peak of the roller coaster ride to the very bottom. She wonders if she will ever get off it.

Things haven’t been the same since her blunder. She feels so naked in front of Julian. This is not what she has expected or wanted. How she wishes that she could turn back the clock!

Julian is baffled. He doesn’t know how to respond. On the one hand, he is flattered that Gracie loves him so much. The piece is beautifully written. It pumps up his adrenaline. Privately, he is delighted. On the other hand, he’s troubled by the revelation. He has  been put in a difficult situation. He knows he has to distance himself.

Gracie has regretted her action ever since she showed Julian her writing. She can’t blame him for keeping his distance. Naively, she has closed the door. The magic is gone and she feels miserable. There is no turning back and she has to taste the bitter fruit she has planted.

Julian realizes that he is walking on thin ice. As Gracie’s boss, he has to be very careful with the whole situation. He is torn inside. He wants to get close to Gracie, but he also knows the ramifications surrounding it. He doesn’t want any scandal. He must stop it before it gets out of hand.

As embarrassed as she is,  Gracie isn’t apologetic for falling in love with Julian. Her love for him is pure and genuine. The experience has enriched her life. The sleepless nights have nurtured her soul. She is grateful that she has met Julian.

It’s Summer already. How did Spring slip away? It’s been a long journey!  I don’t know where to start. I have lived in this vacuum for a long time. The feeling-good world of mine, the frustrating world of mine, the I-can-do-nothing world of mine. Every day with anticipation, excitement, disappointment, hiding my emotions under the mask . Living in two different worlds is hard and exciting at the same time. I won’t exchange this experience with anything. I am grateful for having known you. I wish we could get closer. Circumstances, circumstances…. Whatever the result, I thank the Divine for bringing you into my life. I am at my prime in the past few months. The confidence exudes from me. Thank you for bringing out the best in me! 

Julian has been avoiding Gracie for the last few weeks. Even though he has told her that all is forgotten, he feels uncomfortable around her. He isn’t conceited or hypocritical. It’s awkward now that he knows how Gracie feels about him. The care-free days are gone. He has to exercise caution around her now. Things are no longer the same.

Gracie understands the experience she has had is not solely about Julian  and her or a woman’s love for a man. It’s much more than that. She firmly believes that everything happens for a reason. Through her love for Julian, she is experiencing a magical transformation inside. She relishes on the realization and knows that her heart will go on….

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we’re gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we’ll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We’ll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

In the meantime, Julian is listening to the very same song….

The Song

I  truly miss you. I call for dawn in the night….  The melody is stuck in Gracie’s mind. She has heard it so many times it cuts deep in her heart. From the moment she wakes up, it starts to pop up in her head. It resonates with her so well. She feels that the lyrics are telling her story.

The moon-chasing clouds know my heart, quietly sending you my warm tenderness. The stars in the sky also understand my soul. You are the only one in my heart. How can mountains and rivers block my love for you? Breezing under the moon are my affections for you. 

Tears stream down her cheeks. She knows she is supposed to evolve from this experience. Nevertheless, she seems to be stuck in the moment.  The agony is real. The sadness seeps in. She feels like a heart-broken young lover though she has never expected anything out of this experience.

 Like a song, your smile is cultivating my love. Like a river, your silhouette is nourishing my deep yearning.  She wants to get Julian out of her system. She can’t comprehend what is in him that attracts her so much and why she has fallen so hard for him.  She starts to doubt herself. The struggle within her is so intense she feels that she doesn’t want to carry on any more. The little world is crumpling down on her because it has never had a solid foundation.

I really miss you. You are my brilliant dawn. The long cold winter is long gone. May Spring fill your heart. I truly miss you. You are the dawn of my life. The long cold winter is long gone. I wish I could stay in your heart. 

Yet, the song keeps going and going…

The Lake

Clarissa strolled along the lake. She loved the serenity and majesty of the enormous lake. It always provided peace and calmness to her. She could sit by the lake for hours doing nothing.

Today she especially needed the lake’s calm energy. She didn’t know what was going on inside Julian. The nightmares he had had were nerve wrecking. He always woke up sobbing and would cling to her for a long time. He wouldn’t talk much. He only told her that he was at the beach and was being washed away by a huge tsunami. Clarissa felt that there was something else he wasn’t sharing with her because his eyes were filled with grief when he woke up.

However, she didn’t want to probe further. Over the years, they had come to an understanding that one wouldn’t pry the other to talk about something that s/he wasn’t ready to talk about. She knew she would be there for him just as he would be there for her when needed. Still it bothered her and she was concerned of him.

She knew Julian was stressed at work. With his recent promotions, he was busier than ever. He stayed at work later and traveled a lot. He seemed more and more preoccupied. She understood the challenges he was facing. Being in charge of around 100 people with all sorts of dynamics was no easy task. She was proud of him and recognized the sacrifices they had to make as a family.

Clarissa approached her favorite spot by the lake. At this very spot, her life was completely changed. She was going through a bitter divorce. She came to the lake for some clarity. She was so distraught that she walked right into this stranger. He caught her before she fell and offered her some comfort. She was so embarrassed and murmured some apologies. He didn’t let go of his hand. He looked at her with concern. She felt that his deep brown eyes were piercing through her. Unable to control herself any longer, she broke down in front of this stranger.

Clarissa smiled at this memory. It was 14 years ago. When her divorce was finally settled, Julian went through his own divorce. They were finally united after several years’ brutal battles with their exes. She never regretted fighting for Julian. They were meant to be together. Lilian’s arrival deepened their love for each other.

After Lilian’s arrival, she decided to stay home to take care of the family and support Julian. She missed her old work, but she was also willing to sacrifice for the family. She proved to be a good wife and mother.

The lake was her sanctuary. She would bring her worries, sorrow, puzzles and struggles to the lake. With its magical touch, the lake seemed always to provide a way for her. Facing the magnificent lake, Clarissa breathed in its powerful energy. She knew the magic was working on her again.

Tsunami

“Nooo!” Julian screamed. He waved his hands wildly in the air. Clarissa firmly held his hands and pulled him to her. He had one of the nightmares again. Julian woke up and sobbed in her arms.  He was glad it was only a nightmare. He was safe with Clarissa, his wife of 10 years.

Julian loved Clarissa. They had quite a romance before they were finally together. Their daughter Lilian was the fruit of their love. He was contented with their family life. The promotions at work indicated a bright future.  He couldn’t have asked for more. He was a happy man.

When Julian first met Gracie, his heart skipped a beat. There was some familiarity between them. He knew it was impossible, but he couldn’t shake off the notion that he had met her before. What was more intriguing was that the personality test he asked his staff to take revealed that he and Gracie shared the same personality. The test said only 1% of the people in the world had that personality. What a coincidence that two individuals had this rare personality in an office with just a dozen people!

Gracie was managing a few projects. In those areas, Julian trusted her and depended on her knowledge. Gracie was thorough, responsible and responsive. Most of the time, she would do a beautiful job. She knew her stuff and understood what to give him for his presentations. She was unassuming and …a little… mysterious. Over the years, they had built a great working relationship.

Unbeknownst to her, Julian started to pay more attention to Gracie. As an adventurous crusader in nature, he was quick in action to solve problems and mysteries. He wanted to unveil the mystery in Gracie. He found that he was attracted to her for no reason. He started to fantasize about her. This was very unsettling for him. The disturbing nightmare made it worse.

Julian was strolling along the beach, waiting for his love. Then he spotted her. Gracie was wearing a blue flowing dress. She looked stunning.  As soon as they saw each other, they ran wildly toward each other. They were very much in love. They were so close they were almost within arm’s reach. Suddenly, a Tsunami attacked the beach, knocking Gracie down. Julian screamed “Nooo! ” and ran frantically toward Gracie, but he was also knocked down. Hopelessly and helplessly, he watched Gracie taken by the huge waves. He couldn’t get up and was being washed away. He was suffocating. He knew he was drowning. That was when he was waken up by Clarissa.

The recurring dream was bothering him a lot. He didn’t know what to make of it. He was emotionally drained. He wanted it to stop, but the harder he tried to forget the nightmare, the more frequently he had it.

Internally, Julian was conflicted. He loved his wife. They went through thick and thin. He owed her a lot. At the same time, he secretly yearned for Gracie. He wish he could wear his love for her on his sleeves. He realized that he loved both women. This was against his moral standards and family values.

Being a devout Christian, Julian felt immensely guilty about his yearning for Gracie. He chastised himself. He prayed that he would devote his love and energy only to Clarissa and his family. He tried to block Gracie out of his mind, but the pull was so strong like a magnet. He knew it wasn’t just lust, but he also knew what the repercussions would be. He wasn’t ready for them.  He had a promising career and a loving family. He didn’t want to lose either.

He suddenly realized what the dream was trying to reveal to him. Sadly and painfully, he had to let Gracie go. He buried her in his emotional tsunami, but he would always remember her radiance in that blue flowing dress. Maybe next life….  For now, he was in Clarissa’s safe harbor.

So Close, Yet So Far

Gracie knew the northeast side of her town very well. She had driven in the area since her college kids were in elementary school. However, she never took that route, but always wondered where it would take her. Curious as a little kid, she decided to turn into that route to see where it would take her. Soon she came to a crossroad. She knew she needed to turn but wasn’t sure which way. She decided to go left because she had a sense that her home was in that direction. At the next crossroad, she was a little confused. She didn’t know if she should go straight, turn right or turn left. Her phone was out of battery and she couldn’t use the GPS. She turned right and soon realized she took the wrong turn. She knew the neighborhood but wasn’t exactly sure which way to go to get home. She never had a good sense of direction. She drove aimless in the neighborhood, not knowing or caring much where she was going. The driving itself kept her mind occupied.

All of a sudden, a little red car caught her eyes. Gracie knew it was his car. She passed the car everyday. Then she saw him, working in his yard. Excitement washed over her. She wanted to say hello. She wanted to ask him for direction, but she was embarrassed. She also felt it was inappropriate because she didn’t want to give the impression that she was stalking him. Reluctantly, she drove away.

Julian was Gracie’s boss. She had worked under him for five years. He was talented and full of energy. He respected her and valued her talents. They had enjoyed a very pleasant working relationship. He was one of the best bosses she had had.  She always sensed something special about him. His youthfulness, charisma, caring for his subordinates,  receptivity to new ideas and extreme talent all attracted her. She almost revered him.

She didn’t know when and how it all started. She just felt it. First there was a stir in her heart. She felt a crush. Within days, she realized that she had fallen in love with Julian. She started an emotional roller coaster ride.

She knew this was never meant to be. Both of them had families with children to raise. Even though her own married life was dysfunctional, she didn’t want to rock his boat. As a woman, she knew how devastating it could be to his wife and kids. Her moral standard just wouldn’t allow her to break someone’s family.

Gracie kept driving. It was getting late. She needed to be home soon for his baby son of 12 years old.  He was afraid of the dark. He would be anxious if she was out for too long. She thought she was going in the right direction. Soon she came across a familiar road. She realized that she had driven further away from her home. Cruising along the road, she lost in her little world again.

Julian was a rising star. His future in the company was bright. He could achieve great things.  An affair could damage both their reputations, especially his. Sometimes, an office gossip could bury a person. Gracie wouldn’t allow that to occur. Her first priority was to protect him. From the get-go, she knew she was to suffer silently.

Day in day out, Gracie would see Julian here and there, sometimes just a glimpse, sometimes in a meeting, and sometimes alone.  Each small encounter satisfied her and tortured her at the same time. How she wished she could bare her heart to him. He had sensed her feelings for him and she sensed his, too. The unspoken connection was there. However, the circumstances just wouldn’t allow the confession from either of them.

She had lost sleep over her own deep emotions. For weeks, she just slept for 3-4 hours.  She recognized the detrimental effects of sleep deprivation, but she just couldn’t help herself. Every night, she would wake up at odd hours. Her mind was filled with Julian. Her imagination took a flight and she began to live in a fantasy world. For hours, she would be awake unable to go back to sleep.

She noticed that she was losing weight. In two months, she had lost 8 lbs which was unusual for her.  She thought something was wrong with her scale, but the pants too tight a few months ago were now too big. She had to use a belt.

The traffic light brought Gracie back to reality. In about 10 minutes, she would be home taking care of her preteen son. At 12, he was as tall as Gracie, but he was still very much a mom’s boy. Gracie was pleased that he hadn’t started his rebellion like many of his friends. Hopefully, she could enjoy him much longer.

During those sleepless nights, Gracie didn’t know what to do. She started a journal, jotting down whatever was in her mind. Through the journal, she was able to channel her emotions and let the elephant out. She was grateful that after half a century she still had the capacity to love a person so fully. She always believed in true love, but she always felt that she would never meet the love of her life. Until Julian…

Life appears more exciting with you in it. Of course, there’s also more suffering. I have never experienced  this kind of love before. I have had crushes, infatuation, or love, but nothing like this.  I know it’s an impossible dream. I am just throwing myself under the bus. However, this feeling just washes over non-stoppable. I myself am even shocked. At this age,  I am not looking for love. Emotional upheavals ought to be beyond me. When people talk about love, it’s always about the young and the energetic. Love is always associated with youth and beauty. Am I insane feeling this way? I know there’s no result in our case, but I still keep on loving you.

Gracie didn’t know how Julian felt towards her even though she could sense the mutual attraction, but she didn’t really care. She was happy that he came into her life and his appearance had brought the love she thought she would never experience. She felt so close to him, yet so far away. She needed to come to terms with the whole situation. She was contented that she could live in her fantasy. She knew she would carry on with the love in her heart till the end of time.

Gracie pulled into her garage and sat for a moment. With a dreamy smile on her face, she walked into her house toward her awaiting son. She gave him a big hug.